Does She Secretly Hate Your Fetish?

This middle ground usually happens when a couple, or two people who are already having sex with each other, try to branch out into unchartered territory of the erogenous frontier, testing the waters with a freaky new fetish. 

If you think your fetish is weird, I once started dating someone once who had “clown fetish” and he wanted us both to put on full clown make-up. So, trust me on this, your fetish isn’t that weird.

I told the clown guy I didn’t see myself doing that, but it did lead into a conversation on what I did see myself doing.

Fetishes can take many forms: It might be an obsession with a body part, such as the booty, breasts, armpits, or feet.

Or it might be something like anal sex, which always sounds like a great idea in theory. But in practice, it’s a little more complicated.

Related: 1,580 Women Reveal the Kinkiest Things They’d Let You Try Tonight

So how do you get someone to share your fetish? In the world of BDSM (that’s an abbreviation for Bondage and Discipline, Sadism and Masochism)—where people do extreme stuff like suspend each other on giant crosses, use gag balls and gas masks—everything is negotiated in advance.

At the hardcore fetish porn movie studio kink.com, the actors know exactly what‘s coming, because everything that happens in a sex scene is detailed in a script. The performers even have to consent to everything in writing. 

There are no “surprise drunken anals” in BDSM porn.

If you’d like to experiment with something in the bedroom other than what she’s already accustomed to, always discuss it beforehand. 

Sexologist Dr. Ava Cadell Ph.D., of sexpert.com, says that lovers “should take five 3-by-5 cards and each write out five sexual fantasies or fetishes they would love to try. They don’t have to be in order of importance. Then exchange those cards and see if any of your fantasies match.”

“If they don’t, you at least see what the other person would like to do,” she says. “Now your sexual desires are out on the table and she can decide which ones she’s willing to try.” This should be fun for her, not scary.

I once had a boyfriend who had a major foot fetish and wanted to fondle my feet. It was annoying because I just wasn’t into it. He had to lick my feet every time, and I secretly hated it. (I hate when someone kisses me and I smell “foot breath.”)

How could he have done it differently? Dr. Cadell says it’s important to keep the other person in mind, even when the fetish is exclusively about you.

“Incorporate something that gives her pleasure into your fetish,” Cadell says. “Go with her and pay for a luxurious pedicure. Then you are participating in the fetish together and it is fun for her too.”

A bigger challenge can be anal sex. Especially since, as you may have heard, it’s not the most comfortable thing in the world for the person on the receiving “back end.”

I met a guy once with an anal fetish and a humongous organ. He mentioned he had an anal sex fetish early on in the relationship.

Related: 5 Women Reveal Why They Went Home with Him

“Don’t you want to try the other side first, you know, to get warmed up?” I asked. “It’s all soft and squishy in there.”

He wasn’t interested.

Yet I carried on because I thought he was hot and made out with him. We ended up ripping off each other’s shirts and fingering each other. Things were going well . . . until he flipped me over and I felt something poke in my back door.

“What are you doing?” I asked, stunned.

“I’m trying to have sex with your butt,” he said, with no condom and no lube, like I was going to enjoy that.

This should go without saying, but let’s say it anyway. Even if you think your lady friend is okay with anal sex, that doesn’t mean you just shove it in like it’s a surprise bazooka attack. 

Instead, show her you know what you’re doing. Learn some sexual technique before you tear us a new a-hole. Bone up on How To Pleasure a Woman, the new program by the editors of Men’s Health, and learn some basic techniques. This avoids us staying up all night afterwards Googling “anal prolapse.”

The key to trying out a new fetish is exploring it together. It starts with education—learn what you’re doing before you do it—followed by discussion and negotiation; that’s how the kinkiest kinksters who do the weirdest stuff do it.

Anka Radakovich

Photo by Anka Radakovich

 
 
Anka Radakovich is a sex columnist, certified sexologist, sex educator, screenwriter, and author of the new book The Wild Girls Club Part 2: Tales from New York to Hollywood. Follow her on Twitter @ankarad

via Men’s Health

SHARE THIS POST

You Might Also Like